The Squeaky Fan: A lesson in attention and perspective

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so"

- Shakespeare

One morning on my recent silent retreat I awoke early, well before the time I had planned to get up for the first meditation of the day which was early enough. The fan in my room had developed a loud, inconsistent rattling sound that, despite my best efforts, earplugs, and a pillow over my head, kept me awake. Given this was day four into a six-night stay, I’d only had one good night’s sleep, and had spent hours the previous night cursing myself for not being able to get to sleep, I promptly burst into tears and continued feeling sorry for myself, and that the universe was out to break me.

Later that day, I met with the teacher leading the retreat and, amongst other things, I mentioned that I hadn’t been sleeping well (he was already aware of the fan). He mentioned that it was common to sleep less on retreat when meditating for extended periods as meditation is enlivening and energizing. He then said two things: “You don’t look the worse for it” and “it’s usually the mental turmoil that’s the worst.”  And suddenly, in a matter of moments, everything turned on its head. You see it wasn’t that I was super fatigued and unable to function, it was just the mental distress of not being able to go to sleep when in my mind I had decided that being on retreat meant long hours of deep restful sleep at the end of each day. I had created my own suffering with the attention I had placed on the fan and the perspective I had taken on the amount of sleep I was getting. But by changing that perspective, I was able to take away the negative charge and just see it for what it was, needing less sleep because of all the meditation. Even the noise of the fan wasn’t as bad once I stopped giving my attention to it.

“The happiness you are seeking is not to be found in the flow of life, but in your attitude toward whatever life brings” – Ramesh Balsekar

This is such a powerful lesson. So often we get caught up in the stories we have created in our own minds about how something is supposed to be or why things are not right the way they are. Now this is not to say that we need to put on rose-coloured glasses and pretend that things are fine when they are not, or that we are beyond the day-to-day worries of life. That is spiritual bypassing and comes with its own set of problems. What it does mean though is that we always have the power to direct where our attention lies, what we focus on. We can also accept things as they are, even if not the way we would like, with a sense of humour and the knowledge that ranting and railing about it rarely solves the problem or makes us feel any better.

The next night I probably fell asleep around the same time as the previous night. But you know what, I didn’t go to bed until I felt sleepy and as I lay there for a while before drifting off, I was thinking about how different the experience was once I had taken the suffering out of it.

Hopefully there is something in this story that resonates with you, particularly at this time of year when we are often tired and worn out after a long year and spending time with family who, while we love them dearly, can often push our buttons better than anyone else. So rather than letting your attention focus on Uncle Ron’s ranting about your life decisions, maybe let it focus on the delicious pavlova that Auntie Betty brought to share.

Take care, be kind to yourself, and all the best for the holiday season,

Karen