What is the secret to lasting happiness?

It’s no secret that the pursuit of happiness is one of the most fundamental parts of being alive and being human. The Americans even have it within their constitution.

But the pursuit of happiness and attaining happiness (for more than brief seconds) is not that easy. Many people fall into the trap of the hedonic treadmill of seeking happiness outside themselves, through things, achievements or relationships.

Have you ever had the thought ‘I’ll be happy when I get this (job/$1million/partner/married/kids/ promotion/holiday/dream house)’? This kind of thinking is a trap, because even when you do get this thing or experience, the novelty and excitement soon wear off and you start looking for the next thing to ‘make’ you happy. So, if money, things and pleasure aren’t the answer, what is? Luckily psychologists have been studying this very thing for decades in the field of positive psychology and have come up with some surprising answers. Positive psychology, rather than looking at mental illness and suffering, looks at what makes life worth living and has mental wellbeing as its focus. It’s also important to note that positive psychology isn’t just positive thinking, which can actually be toxic when used to avoid situations or our emotions, and instead realistic thinking is what’s required.

Let’s look first at what happiness is. There are two main schools of thought here, hedonism (the pursuit of pleasure) and eudaimonism (living life to the fullest, doing good and being good). While pleasure does have a part to play in overall happiness, it seems that people need more than just pleasure to feel like they have a fulfilling and happy life. Part of this is due to the hedonic treadmill where pleasurable experiences lose their novelty. It’s also believed that we each have a happiness ‘set point’ (more like a window) which is largely genetic. Positive or negative experiences will move us away from this set point temporarily but over time we adapt and return to our general level of happiness. So, does this mean there is nothing we can do? What if our ‘set point’ is on the lower end, are we doomed to a life of misery? Luckily, genetics only seems to account for about 50% of our happiness pie. So, what fills up the other 50%? Will being rich and powerful with an attractive spouse and perfect family make us happy? Most of us think that these things are the answer to happiness, but it turns out that life circumstances only make up about 10% of the pie. That’s why you can see smiling faces in a poor village and miserable billionaires. Now the relationship between happiness and money is a little more complex than this, and wealth does seem to improve overall happiness, up to a point. Generally, once people have means to care for themselves and their family, more wealth doesn’t equal more happiness.

As you can see in the happiness pie chart, a whopping 40% of our happiness set point comes down to our intentional actions and choices. This is important because it means that we do indeed have the power to seek and find our own happiness, through our thoughts/mindset, daily routines and actions over time.

The actions and choices that will have the biggest impact on your happiness are unique to you but below are five of the biggest happiness boosters that you might want to add into your own life.

1. Looking after your body – this one is a no brainer, we all know how we feel after a weekend of eating junk, drinking and/or smoking, staring at a screen or not sleeping. Compare that to how we feel when we are fully rested, drinking plenty of water and eating a range of fresh and healthy foods, and getting our body moving in ways that we enjoy. It’s why we feel so good when we’ve finished our workout or other or why our day tends to go better when we’ve had a good night’s sleep. Prioritise looking after yourself and you will find your overall happiness levels boosted at the same time.

“The secret to living well is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple, and love without measure” – Tibetan proverb

2. Gratitude – this is huge and has been shown over and over again to have a massive impact on our overall happiness. When we practice gratitude, we reduce the effect of the hedonic treadmill as we notice and appreciate all of the pleasurable things that we have and do. It also makes us more likely to notice positive things in the future, setting us up for more positive experiences. Even when there are lots of negative things happening in our lives, there will always be something we can be grateful for, whether it’s someone to listen, your internal strength to endure, or a passing butterfly. You can write them down (you’ll also get a bonus boost when you look back on them later) or just go over them mentally. Add it to your routine and see how much more you appreciate the good things in your life.

“It’s not happiness that brings us gratitude. It’s gratitude that brings us happiness” - Anonymous

3. Living with purpose – there is so much research out there that shows that we need to have meaning in our lives to feel truly happy and fulfilled. Having and working towards goals, doing things for others, living true to your values, and expressing your gifts in ways that make the world a better place all contribute to lasting happiness. Having meaning in our lives also helps us to weather life’s storms with more grace. As Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychologist who survived the holocaust, said in his famous book ‘Man’s search for meaning’, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’”.

4. Mindset – While we all have a tendency towards optimism or pessimism, this isn’t fixed and it is possible to nurture optimism with our habits. Gratitude is a great helper here but surrounding ourselves with others who have an optimistic outlook and consciously challenging our negative beliefs can also help push the needle towards a more positive outlook. Being mindful of negative thoughts and overthinking and using compassion, for our selves and others, can also help. Forgiving yourself and others has also been shown to improve overall happiness. If you really struggle with mindset, it can be worth seeking the help of an experienced psychologist or counsellor to help give you the skills and techniques to build a more positive mindset.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” - Mahatma Gandhi

5. Mindfulness and savouring – living in the moment means we are better able to take in all the small little joys throughout our days. Often, we rush through, completely focused on tasks or planning for and working towards happiness in the future, but the only time we ever experience happiness is in the present. Rick Hanson in his great book ‘Hardwiring happiness’ talks about ‘savouring’. When we savour experiences, we consciously focus on all the small sensations, using all of our senses to extend and deepen our experience of it and draw our complete focus to the experience. Savouring uses the ability of our brain to rewire itself through repetition to change our neural traits. While our brain is naturally more attuned to negative experiences (for safety), we can change this over time with practice. You can savour in the moment (e.g. fully enjoying your morning cuppa rather than downing it while doing other things) or in retrospect (i.e. in your gratitude practice, relive the experiences you are grateful for, feeling again all the sensations and feelings that come up). A regular mindfulness or meditation practice can be a fantastic way to develop these skills.

“By taking just a few extra seconds to stay with a positive experience—even the comfort in a single breath—you’ll help turn a passing mental state into lasting neural structure.” - Rick Hanson

There are many more ways to boost our happiness, including getting outside, offline and with others. I’ve spoken before about the importance of getting out into nature and disconnecting from technology, and connection with others is essential for human flourishing. Finally, experiences and relationships will always provide longer and more lasting happiness than money and things.

I’d love to know; did these resonate with you? Do you practice any/all of the above strategies to boost your happiness? Do you have something else that brings you true joy? Share below and others may just find the secret they have been looking for their own happiness in your wisdom.

If you love podcasts and this has sparked your interest, I highly recommend ‘The Happiness Lab’ by Dr Laurie Santos from Yale University. It’s entertaining but research backed (it’s from the most popular course run at the university which you can also enrol in online) and explains why we get it so wrong with the things we think will make us happy and what we can focus on instead.

If you’d like to improve your happiness through mindfulness and mindset by creating your own meditation practice, check out the events page for details of upcoming courses or get in touch for all the options including 1:1 coaching. If you'd like to keep in the loop with offers, future blogs and meditation tips, you can sign up for the free newsletter here.

Thanks for reading, Karen.